I'm Back, With Yet More Morons

Hello world, well it has been a while hasn't it?! For that I apologise profusely but I'm ready with my excuses. Basically Tiscali suck, if you are tempted to sign up with them because they use Martin Clune's dulcet tones on the TV advert, don't bother because they are bloody useless. Anyway, I, along with most other people, have been guilty of stupidity whilst under the influence of alcohol, but these two young chaps take the biscuit. I mean setting yourself on fire is quite an achievement with a liquid.






Well that's it. Maybe you were expecting something a bit better to accompany my glorious return to the internet, but sod it, it'll do for now. I will keep this updated on a weekly basis from now on so keep checking back if you want. I've also got another blog on the go now for my 5 a side football team at primeministersselectxi.blogspot.com if you wanna read that. It'll be updated every Wednesday/Thursday, and will be filled with all sorts of highs, lows, unwarranted criticism (of others) and unwarranted praise (of me).

Goodbye.

You're In Safe Hands Here

Hello people of the world, I know it's been a while since I updated and for that I apologise but a lack of intersting things and a lack of a computer have rendered my blogging capabilities some what useless. Anyway, whilst discussing the merits of various crappy talent contests that are popping up on British TV, the cogs started whiring in the back of my brain and I remebered this classic bit of footage from last year. David 'safe hands' Seaman, England goalkeeper of many years standing was taking part in an ice dancing contest when he dropped his partner, not good for someone whose career relied on catching and holding onto things. Anyway, I know it doesn't compare with the previous bear clip but I thought it was quite funny anyway so here goes:


Whilst talking about talent contests there has recently been a show called 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?' In reference to this and to the recent antics of Kim Jong Il and his pals, The Sun newspaper had the brilliant front page headline of 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Jong Il?' I thought personally that that was hilarious.

I'm bored and have work to do now so i'll leave you now, until the next time,

Goodbye.

This Sure Doesn't Look Like A Teddy Bear's Picnic

Hello everybody, once again i've found something that I consider to be of interest to you all. Apparantly this has been doing the rounds for a while but I only found out about it the other day and so in keeping with the highly irrelevant nature of this blog I give a you a tranquilized bear bouncing off a trampoline. Classic


Pretty funny isn't it?! Anyway, I've not got any traffic/pedestrian related gripes this week so it's a short post but until the next time,

Goodbye.

Sometimes Words Just Aren't Enough

Hi everybody! All I can possibly say on this next clip is that you might want to fast forward through the speech at the beginning but other than that I'm stumped as to exactly how this is representative of the Neighbours 20th anniversary:


Other things that I've noticed this week mainly involve the humble pedestrian crossing. It would appear that your average British pedestrian does not seem to posses the miniscule brain power that it takes to complete the following equation:

pressure from index finger + spherical plastic button = increased chances of crossing the road

What I'm getting at is, why the fuck don't the inbred, half witted, moronic retards that shambolically saunter the streets of Britain, push the button to cross the road instead of standing still and wondering why the cars aren't stopping. The amount of times I've had to mutter various obscenities under my breath and march purposefully, finger outstretched to save the public from deep vain thrombosis caused by standing still for too long at a crossing is ridiculous. Infact, I think I'll leave it next time and just let the assembled masses perish at the road side.

Also, why have they redesigned pedestrian crossing boxes so that you have to look behind you to see the green man instead of straight ahead like in the good old days. I'm getting a neck injury from it.

People that walk slowly in the street annoy me too, I sometimes feel an overwhelming urge to just pick them up and move them to one side so that I can progress at a pace that befits my purpose.

But anyway, I've run out of things to say again so until the next time,

Goodbye.

British Politics Has Long Been The Envy Of The World

Chamberlain, Churchill, Thatcher, Johnson. When asked to name the great political minds of the 20th Century maybe one person in that list would not be on everyone's lips. I talk of course of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson or Boris Johnson as he is better know. Now Boris may not have made any significant headway politically yet but I think this clip means he is deserving of been counted amongst his illustrious peers, it is taken from a charity football match between England and Germany in the build up to last years world cup. Boris is a rugby man you know;



When interviewed after the event Boris came out with the classic quote "I'm a rugby player, really, and I knew I was going to get to him, and when he was about two yards away I just put my head down. There was no malice. I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer." Considering the ball was on the ground at the time I think that is amazing. Other Boris quotes that I think may brighten up your day include:

"What's my view on drugs? I've forgotten my view on drugs."

"My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive."

"I don't believe that talking on a mobile phone while driving a car is any more dangerous than the many other things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on."

"I don't see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap dancing, and other related and vital subjects."

"Look the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it."

"Tremendous, little short of superb. On cracking form."
After being sacked of his role in the Tory shadow cabinet.

"I'm kicking off my diet with cheeseburger whatever Jamie Oliver says McDonalds are incredibly nutritious and, as far as I can tell, crammed full of vital nutrients and rigid with goodness."

"I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar."

"Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3."

Brilliant. I'll try and keep you all up to date on a more regular basis than I have been doing but until then,

Goodbye.

Steve Irwin

Well needless to say I was absolutly gutted about Steve Irwin dying the other day, I was actually a lot more upset than I thought I would be, but I guess when someone who seems so indestructable kicks the bucket it makes you think a little. It also made me think how close I came to signing off in a similar style when I swam over the top of a box jellyfish whilst snorkling on the Great Barrier Reef. Interesting to say the least.

Anyway, I found this on the ever reliable Youtube and I think it is a fitting send off:


I will also be posting those updates that I promised a week and a half ago and they will be going up on Saturday. Trust me.

Until then,

Crocs Rule

That Was A Long Time Ago

Ok, so it's late and there are no pictures because I forgot my camera but here we go anyway, the review of David Ford at The Borderline in deepest, darkest Londinium. Now if i'm been perfectly honest this isn't the greatest gig review of all time as I promised, but I drank a little too much Guinness on the night and my memory of the latter end of the set is hazy.

The show started off with a song I'd never heard before, but it was amazing none the less. Ford employed his patented looping system to make some kind of odd chanting system that sounded a little like a choir of monks but despite that it was easily on a par with anything on his debut album. There was another new song early on which I will call 'St Peter' (purely for the fact that it mentioned St Peter a lot). If the first new song was on a par with the last album, this one was even better, the lyrics were amazing, top notch stuff. In and around this were 'I Don't Care What You Call Me' and 'State Of The Union', the latter of which was the best I have ever seen it performed, absolutly perfect. Some where mid-set 'Cheer Up (You Miserable Fuck)' was wheeled out and despite some distictly average backing vocals from the audience, the performance was great. Amazing how out of tune the general public can be though. To top off the songs from the debut album, 'Laughing Aloud' was performed in it's entirity which was mega. I'm certain there were other songs off the album, I just can't remember which ones, sorry. There were other new songs in the main set, after which followed a schitzophrenic encore or two. These included snippets of old, new and random songs and at one point saw David return back to his Easyworld days and rock out like a good 'un (although not on an Easyworld song unfortunately). As I say, there were other new songs thrown in which didn't stick in the memory as much but as I aluded too earlier, that was probably the Guinness rather than the quality of song writing, and alas, much to the constant baying of all of those present he would not perform 'Afternoon Delight'. Shame.

If I was a school teacher and I was marking David Ford's work on the performance of the gig I would give him 8/10. He loses marks for not performing 'A Long Time Ago' and 'Katie' but beggars can't be chosers and it was an amazing show. However, things that picked up marks were the facts that the backing singers were very, very pretty and the stage looked cool with the white fairy lights all over. The End.

I'll be updating again soon with more of the usual crap that you find on here, but for now, in the words of the Bay City Rollers, all I can say is bye, bye, bye baby, baby, bye, bye,

Goodbye.